What to Do When You Feel Like a Source of Attention, Not a Person

A situação

You may be in a relationship where your opinions, needs, or feelings seem to matter only when they reflect well on the other person. They might alternate between idealizing you and devaluing you, or they may seem to need constant attention—positive or negative—from you. You feel drained, confused, or used.

O que fazer

• Start a private journal: note specific incidents where you felt used for attention or dismissed as a person. Include dates, what was said/done, and how you felt.
• Identify patterns over 2-4 weeks: look for cycles of idealization, devaluation, or sudden demands for attention. Do not confront the person; just observe.
• Share your observations with one trusted friend, family member, or counselor who understands relational dynamics. Ask for their perspective without naming the other person as 'narcissist'.
• Set one small boundary this week: e.g., delay responding to a non-urgent message by 2 hours, or say 'I can't talk right now' without explaining. Notice how the other person reacts.
• List three things that are true about you regardless of what the other person says or does—e.g., your values, a skill, a memory. Re-read this list daily.
• If you feel ready, consider a calm, short conversation about a specific behavior (e.g., 'When you interrupt me, I feel unheard') only if you are physically and emotionally safe, and have a support plan in place.

Checklist

• I have a private journal for observations.
• I have identified at least one pattern over time.
• I have talked to a trusted person outside the relationship.
• I have set one small boundary this week.
• I have a list of my own truths to ground me.
• I have assessed safety before any direct conversation.

Perguntas frequentes

Should I tell the person how they make me feel?

Only if you are safe and have support. Often, people who seek attention at your expense may not respond well to direct feedback, and it can escalate the situation. Observe first, and consider sharing only with a trusted third party.

Is it possible they don't realize what they're doing?

It's possible, but the impact on you is real regardless of their intent. Focus on protecting your own well-being rather than diagnosing their motives.

What if I feel guilty for setting boundaries?

Guilt is common when you start prioritizing yourself. Remind yourself that boundaries are not punishments—they are ways to keep the relationship healthy and sustainable.